Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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