theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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