i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize