my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
