How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
