I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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