I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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