Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
