If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
