If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
the raccoons are back...
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