There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
