I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
