I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
