Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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