you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
