Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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