I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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