So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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