So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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