Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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