When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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