Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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