did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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