I wish I could punch you in the face.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
