Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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