Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Drunk is not a location!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
