I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
