I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
