why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
