Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
