her facebook's as public as her vagina
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
