I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
