So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just want nice things and good sex
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
