I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
