She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
