come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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