What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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