ugly people sure do ruin things
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i think i just lost a toe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
