It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
