Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
