I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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