my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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