apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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