today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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