why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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