The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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