Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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