i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
