My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
