Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
