I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
