Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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