The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize