im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
