Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
