I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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