Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Randomize
