I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
