ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
