I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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